“How can you spend 400,000 dollars on a party for 150 old people who don’t even do cocaine?”

Ira Glass, Oberlin convocation

09-26 / 13:37 / 6 notes

Translation:

Cuizinier, with your tiny ginger pubes-covered dick 

I can’t believe you’d think people want you

Even in the dark, even if you kept your pajamas on

And even if you kept your chest hair that looks like a stupid T-shirt

Keep your shirt on, it’ll save you embarrassment, bastard.

06-23 / 7:52 / 4 notes

Courtesy of oneminuteslow. 

06-22 / 0:26

Hey Tumblr! Remember Web Junk? During the five minutes I had cable in eighth grade, I never missed it. Be prepared for the best of Web 1.5 to spill onto your dashboards. Up first: Kangaroo Court.

05-20 / 11:51

ChildrensBOP! I love those two…

05-20 / 11:48 / 2 notes

WSJ: For Pets in End Times, Service Offers Salvation

Mr. Centre, the atheist who sells pet insurance, said he’s had a 30% uptick in business this year, with 70 new policies. Of his customers, he said, “I’m sorry they have a belief in the Rapture but that’s their belief and they’re entitled to it.”

He said he plans to spend Saturday reading in a teepee he built on his property. He’s expecting to hear from many of his customers on Sunday. “They will be disappointed twice,” he said. “Once because they weren’t raptured and again because I don’t do refunds.”

05-19 / 19:12 / 1 note

    Joe S. has his first listen to Jonathan Coulton's "First of May"

  • Me: Next song: explicit (hilarious) lyrics
  • Joe S.: OMG
  •  JC
  •  I LOVE THAT GUY
  • Me: ME TOO
  •  know this one?
  •  Joe S. nope xD
  •  wait
  •  sounds familiar
  •  ...
  •  idk
  •  xD
  •  but chiron beta prime is epic
  •  baby got back (his version) is amazing
  •  ummm
  •  code monkey is awes---
  •  o_o
  •  did he just,...
  • Me: celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called...
  • JS: o_o
  • Me: OH NO HE DIDN'T
  •  xD
  • JS: .
  •  ..
  •  ...
  •  wow
  •  ive never heard this s---
  •  OMG
  •  FIRST OF MAY
  •  xD
  •  HE IS CORRECT
  •  this
  •  is
  •  hilarious xD
  •  and awkward...
  •  and hilarious xD
  •  ...
  •  o_o
  •  i g2g to bed after this song
  •  school tomorrow -__-
  •  and i got 6 hours of sleep last night
  •  and btw that was one of the most scarring songs ive ever heard
  • Me: this one now is the last one
  •  and I know. But it's so awesome.
  • JS: ...
  •  lol
  •  yes
  •  but then hes like SET PHASERS TO CREEPY PERV POWER
  •  and then phasers are set to creepy perv power
  •  and it is scary
  •  but hilarious
  •  and now i g2g
  •  Dx
  •  BAI
05-01 / 22:21

Sometimes, on Passover, we can’t suffer through 8 days of flat tasteless matzah…

04-25 / 23:40 / 23 notes

John Cleese on terror threat levels

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the

country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to "She’ll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is cancelled.”“

-John Cleese-

04-21 / 11:06 / 12 notes