getsby:

cosmo sex tip: when he pulls out his penis begin singing “put that thing back where it came from or so help me”

From a not so far corner of the internet

(NSFW, text only, below cut.)

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03-19 / 19:00 / 2 notes

stannisfuckingbaratheon:

I’m sorry, but the top comments have me in stitches

the entire thing reads : 

Ooh deary me

My little brother’s in Winterfell drinking mead

Now tell him he should come home so when he dies he’s near the sea

He can’t be bothered cos with Osha he’s trying to breed

I asked him very nicely if he’d raid the Stony Shore

I can’t even see him ‘cause he won’t speak to me any more

Don’t understand how anyone can be so bad at war

My baby brother Theon as an Ironborn you are poor

I only say it ‘cause I care

So please can you stop touching me there?

Ooooo Theon get up it’s a brand new day,

The cripple and the wildling have gotten away

You need to hunt them down because your men are gonna say.

“He’s such a fucking loser and he’s gonna end up flayed.”

Oh little brother do you have to be so thick,

I’m trying to help you out so can you stop being a dick.

It’s time that you and I sat down and dealt with all your shit,

And for fuck sake come on you gotta stop rubbing my clit.”

That’s one birth certificate I’d like to see.

07-21 / 23:47 / 1 note

Outrageous Sex Tips from my own COSMOS

johnskylar:

Recently I read this article about hilarious sex tips from Cosmopolitan magazine.  It was pretty funny!

So I said to myself, “Self, you too have COSMOS.  You should look inside it for outrageous sex tips.”

And I did.  Here’s a top 10:

  1. “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.” 
    Ten inches, you say?  Prove it.
  2. “We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.” 
    You know, in the Biblical sense.
  3. “Other things being equal, it is better to be smart than to be stupid.”
    Stupid in bed is like stupid with a chainsaw.  It’ll turn off when you make a mistake, and it won’t be safe OR fun.  Protect yourself; hit on a scientist!
  4. If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.” American Pie would’ve been much better if it had been that way.  I’m down.
  5. For a long time the human instinct to understand was thwarted by facile religious explanations.” Facile: superficial, simplistic, quick, and easy.  Had to look that one up.  Apparently that’s religious sex for ya.  Science: complex, comprehensive, and, ah…deep.  Well, I think we have a winner.
  6. The suppression of uncomfortable ideas may be common in religion and politics, but it is not the path to knowledge…”
    For a list of uncomfortable ideas to try, go here.
  7. Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere.”
    I think we can all imagine how to put THIS to good use in bed.
  8. But those with the courage to explore the weave and structure of the Cosmos, even where it differs profoundly from their wishes and prejudices, will penetrate its deepest mysteries.”
    It takes courage to penetrate those deep mysteries!
  9. “Where we have strong emotions, we’re liable to fool ourselves.” Remember that part about extraordinary claims?  Don’t forget in the heat of the moment!
  10. It is probably here that the word ‘cosmopolitan’ realized its true meaning…”
    See.  True meaning of Cosmopolitan.  Sexy science, not fashion magazine.  Told you.

John Skylar, you are a prince among men.

07-03 / 14:53 / 2 notes / johnskylar

Meta-graffiti FTW.

05-01 / 20:15 / 3,875 notes / blua

Sometimes, on Passover, we can’t suffer through 8 days of flat tasteless matzah…

04-25 / 23:40 / 23 notes

John Cleese on terror threat levels

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the

country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to "She’ll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is cancelled.”“

-John Cleese-

04-21 / 11:06 / 12 notes