cosmo sex tip: when he pulls out his penis begin singing “put that thing back where it came from or so help me”
(NSFW, text only, below cut.)
I’m sorry, but the top comments have me in stitches
the entire thing reads :
“Ooh deary me
My little brother’s in Winterfell drinking mead
Now tell him he should come home so when he dies he’s near the sea
He can’t be bothered cos with Osha he’s trying to breed
I asked him very nicely if he’d raid the Stony Shore
I can’t even see him ‘cause he won’t speak to me any more
Don’t understand how anyone can be so bad at war
My baby brother Theon as an Ironborn you are poor
I only say it ‘cause I care
So please can you stop touching me there?
Ooooo Theon get up it’s a brand new day,
The cripple and the wildling have gotten away
You need to hunt them down because your men are gonna say.
“He’s such a fucking loser and he’s gonna end up flayed.”
Oh little brother do you have to be so thick,
I’m trying to help you out so can you stop being a dick.
It’s time that you and I sat down and dealt with all your shit,
And for fuck sake come on you gotta stop rubbing my clit.”
Recently I read this article about hilarious sex tips from Cosmopolitan magazine. It was pretty funny!
So I said to myself, “Self, you too have COSMOS. You should look inside it for outrageous sex tips.”
And I did. Here’s a top 10:
- “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.”
Ten inches, you say? Prove it.
- “We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.”
You know, in the Biblical sense.
- “Other things being equal, it is better to be smart than to be stupid.”
Stupid in bed is like stupid with a chainsaw. It’ll turn off when you make a mistake, and it won’t be safe OR fun. Protect yourself; hit on a scientist!
- “If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.” American Pie would’ve been much better if it had been that way. I’m down.
- “For a long time the human instinct to understand was thwarted by facile religious explanations.” Facile: superficial, simplistic, quick, and easy. Had to look that one up. Apparently that’s religious sex for ya. Science: complex, comprehensive, and, ah…deep. Well, I think we have a winner.
- “The suppression of uncomfortable ideas may be common in religion and politics, but it is not the path to knowledge…”
For a list of uncomfortable ideas to try, go here.
- “Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere.”
I think we can all imagine how to put THIS to good use in bed.
- “But those with the courage to explore the weave and structure of the Cosmos, even where it differs profoundly from their wishes and prejudices, will penetrate its deepest mysteries.”
It takes courage to penetrate those deep mysteries!
- “Where we have strong emotions, we’re liable to fool ourselves.” Remember that part about extraordinary claims? Don’t forget in the heat of the moment!
- “It is probably here that the word ‘cosmopolitan’ realized its true meaning…”
See. True meaning of Cosmopolitan. Sexy science, not fashion magazine. Told you.
John Skylar, you are a prince among men.
Sometimes, on Passover, we can’t suffer through 8 days of flat tasteless matzah…