CHORUS:

Well, it’s PBR for hipsters and Great Lakes for me and you

Let’s find a ride to Johnny’s, boys, and buy a dram or two

So pick your favorite pronouns and pass the bottle round

And we’ll have high times at Oberlin till S&S shuts us down!

VERSES:

(Sturbaum)

Welcome to Ohio, I hope you like flat terrain

The weather here is marvelous, assuming you like rain

Our May and our September are the finest months of all

And all the months that come between, you’re freezing off your WELL…

I signed aboard a co-op for to eat some tasty food

I signed aboard at Harkness for to do it in the nude

But all of those discussions, well, I thought I’d have a fit

‘Coz you have to reach consensus just to go and take a WELL…

A lady came to Oberlin and found the SIC

So many things she learned there, she felt so fair and free

A maiden when she came here, she’s no maiden anymore

She wouldn’t consent till she was spent, the dirty little WELL…

Well, there’s many here at Oberlin with amorous intent

There isn’t any doubt to how they wish their time was spent

They want it oh so badly, but they haven’t had no luck

‘Coz it seems they’re far too awkward to initiate a WELL…

Well, there aren’t any traces of the gender binary here

It doesn’t matter to us if you’re gay or trans or queer

It’s really not that out-the-way, these things will come to pass

And it doesn’t make no difference if you take it up the WELL…

Well, a prospie came to Oberlin, his bright eyes all agleam

To see if north Ohio held the college of his dreams

He had his doubts when he came in, by morning he did not

‘Coz we took him to the Wisdom Tree and smoked him up with WELL…

(I wrote these verses)

I went one night to Dascomb Hall and had a shot or six

Set fire to the laundry and the kitchen just for kicks

But heed my warning, Obies, and don’t fall into that trap

Just from stepping into Dascomb, I think I got the WELL…

I hear that sex with Connies is really quite the treat

‘Coz the ways they use their fingers and their mouths cannot be beat

But if you want to take one home, I fear you’re out of luck

‘Coz you’ll have to go to Robertson if you ever want to WELL…

Well, the athlete boys could think all day about the ball they run

The scientist thinks with test tubes and the redneck thinks with guns

The writer thinks with pen and ink and the caveman thinks with rocks

But everyone knows that Oberlin boys think only with their WELL…

(Asp)

A maiden came to Oberlin, a virgin all the way

She’d never liked the lads at school, or the lassies, I must say

But now she lives in Baldwin and the lesbian life is it

She’ll only date the fairer sex now that she’s touched a WELL…